Good and not so good

Positive news

Just over ten weeks post-operation and I'm doing really well physically.

Since late last week I've been driving again and I even walked the dogs (with mum's help - big up my mum for being my live-in nurse for nine weeks) over the weekend.  I'm on a phased return to work as still can't sit in an office chair all day yet and work have been brilliant about it. 

I still get the occasional spasm in my knee cap and I'm utterly exhausted and aching at the end of each day,  but I've ditched the Zimmer frame in favour of crutches that I only really need outside the house now. Stairs are still hard work but I don't have to ascend on my bum anymore so that's a plus!
Literally the worst thing about the operation was the in-the-tummy anti-DVT injections,  I was so pleased on week six when they were over, they hurt something rotten and I looked like a bruised pin cushion!
I've really started to notice how much longer my right leg is now, so am hoping I'll get scheduled for left knee surgery soon, I can't imagine walking on a tilt will do much my back much good long term.

Here are my latest x-rays, the consultant is very pleased with my progress. 

On the flip side

So here's the thing; now that I don't have my physical health to focus on so much,  my mental health is deteriorating. It's amazing how being occupied on physical healing can be such a distraction and now... now I'm ruminating again about things that were either long long ago or that are completely inconsequential. For the last few days I've restorted to St John's Wort which does help at bedtime, but I wish there was a reason I feel the need to punish myself so much for things I can't change. Night time is the worst,  I'm really tired until I get into bed where sometimes when I close my eyes I can only see the same awful TV scene over and over. I won't tell you what it was, but suffice to say I saw it far too young and it's a core memory that haunts me.

Is my subconscious sentencing me for things I hope are forgotten by everyone else on the planet?  There are probably quite a few people that won't have forgiven me for my occasional twenties drunkenness for instance. Does everyone get like this?  Whatever the reason, anxiety is driving me bonkers and I wish I could switch it off. 

So here's the plan,  as soon as I feel able I'm going back to work full time and I'm putting the focus back on my physical health. I'm allowed to start swimming again and I'm going to get thin(-er).

Any sparks of wisdom appreciated.